Matatu Driving in Ten Easy Steps

  1. Buy a matatu (a small minibus – usually a Toyota Hiace). Preferably
    an old one which produces copious amounts of black exhaust. Don’t bother
    with insurance.
  2. Paint it garish colours and stick a random phrase in the back window
    (try one of these: ‘No Fear’, ‘God is Invincible’, ‘Arsenal’, ‘Fast as
    fire’, ‘Waiting for the end’). Install a multi-tone horn.
  3. Have a drink.
  4. When you see a passenger, stop immediately. Don’t check if anyone is
    behind you. If possible, try to stop across the end of another road,
    halfway round a roundabout or in the middle lane of three lanes of
    traffic (extra points if you can block two lanes at once).
  5. If you can see any other potential passengers, get your tout to try
    and persuade them to get in the matatu too. Keep filling the vehicle
    with more people until you can’t fit any more in.
  6. Fit some more in. The tout can hang out the side.
  7. Pull out into moving traffic. Don’t check if anyone is passing
  8. Try not to obey any of the rules of the road. Drive as fast as
    possible. Overtake traffic jams and cut in at the front. Approach a
    roundabout in the right hand lane and turn left. Stop halfway along a slip
  9. Crash the matatu. Try to crash it where it will cause the most
    obstruction to traffic. If completely destroyed, return to step 1.
  10. If engine still works, hammer out the dents and return to step 2.

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