The Beardy Psalm, and Other Foolishness

The Beardy Psalm

How splendid is your beard among the nations
How awesome is its length;
Its breadth defies all knowledge.
Can my chin attain to such greatness?
Can it be as hairy as yours?

The people gaze with wonder,
In reverence they stroke their chins.
Not so the shaven –
They are like the young,
Whose chins know not hair
And cannot aspire to such beardiness.

Oh chin of chins, oh beard of beards,
Your facial hair flows like a stream.
The goats of Aberystwyth gather at its banks to graze.
The mountain doves nest in its crevaces,
And the water rats find solace in its warmth.

Shave not your beard,
Let not me see your face clearly.

Great is the bearded one.
(His beard endures forever).

Written in 1997

Song of Sidney


My love you are beautiful,
Like six oxen you charge through the fields.
Come to me my darling,
Leap like a frog over the walls surrounding my house.


Oh gorgeous man, you are like a bat to me –
Your wings flap like flapping things.
Your stomach is like a tummy
Ever so lovely.


I love you cute girl,
Your apples are like melons,
Your hair is like long bits of string
And your legs are like twin mountain baboons.


Right. Your beard is like a jungle
And you nose hair is like weeds
That grow unkempt in a shrubbery.
Your bottom is like the moon.

Where has my lover gone?
I phone him on his mobile
But he does not answer.
I wander round town in my nightie looking for him.


I am here, you silly cow.
I was downstairs watching the footy.
And thinking about your lovely feet,
They are like bunches of bananas to me.


Oh my lover,
Why did you not do the washing up?
Get up you lazy old goat
Who bounds through the leafy glades of the night.

Written in 2002

Leave a Reply